Why We Need More Black & White Television Shows

I’m not an expert on early 20th century film, but I have watched enough black and white movies to know why more black and white shows today would be freaking awesome!

There are many things color films can do better than black and white films, like showing the flowers in a meadow for instance, but black and white films can also do things that color films can’t do!

My three favorite things that black and white films can do that color films can’t do are:

  1. Maximize the expression of hardcore, rugged faces.
  2. Add a level of coolness you can’t get another way.
  3. Make shadows pop like physical objects.

I’ve thought of some crazy ideas for black and white television shows over the years. But the people making it have to do it right. The people watching for the first time have to see all those cool things mentioned above that only black and white films can do. In other words, if a black and white show was to be successful today, it would need to be “optimized” to provide outlets for all the awesome aspects of black and white film. It would need to show a lot of shadows, a lot of grim faces with a range of expressions. Scruffy eyebrows and misty alleys. Lightning, mist and rain. Show only what looks good in black and white, like gargoyles on gnarly walls as mist drifts by, and swords clanging. Sparks flying. Black and white does that the best!

One of my favorite black and white films is Citizen Kane. The beginning scene opens up so beautifully! You could have a whole movie with that kind of grim cinematography you see in the first two minutes of Citizen Kane. Go and watch it and tell me it ain’t the most beautiful two minutes ever. Seeing the old building covered in mist behind the chain-link fence made me think of what an old castle covered in mist behind an epic, personal 1 vs. 1 sword duel would like look filmed the same way. If done right, a black and white film can be the dankest thing you’ve ever seen. The dank is good!

So who wants to start a petition and complain with me: “Why isn’t there more black and white TV shows, huh?”

Let’s complain in all the forums till we see a change! Until TV is Klickable again!

Why are Tow Truck Drivers on TV Always Balding, Fat, wearing Overalls?

The complaining about TV experts have really found a strange subconscious trope in television here. When is the last time you remember a tow truck driver on TV being a normal skinny dude with nice cloths and a polite voice? Why do they always need to sound gruff with their belly button somehow showing even though they’re wearing overalls? This is a major science problem the masses need to handle at once for the benefit of the future of mankind!

It doesn’t cease to amaze me the kind of bizarre subconscious labels we can put onto a profession as a species. Most of the people who drive tow trucks that I’ve met didn’t wear overalls and chew on a rod of wheat. Maybe I’m thinking mostly of old black and white TV shows but even modern ones always have tow truck drivers looking like ex convicts who couldn’t fit in at the motorcycle club. A friend of mine from high school became a tow truck driver and she’s a normal skinny Asian lady. I’m so proud of her. She’s 4 feet tall and going around hauling the cars of real wheat chewing hicks out on the country roads of inner British Columbia, Canada. Why can’t TV tow truck people be more interesting like her? She also plays field hockey!

I swear, the next time I see a guy with half his hair missing and a stained set of overalls hanging loosely on his body swagger out of a tow truck on TV I’m going to eat another piece of pizza and laugh at how ridiculous this whole situation is. Can you really blame me for complaining about this on a blog? I’m mean, like … come on!

If you want to see what real tow truck people look like go find a random tow truck website. I did this for an hour before deciding to write on this serious topic, and almost died laughing. I found a bunch of good ones, but my favorite is: https://towtruckkamloops.com/

You know, there’s just something I like about it. But back to the topic here. I mean, what are script writers dotting down when they come up with their stories. Do they just know that a scene wouldn’t make sense without a tow truck driver in it so they just close their eyes and every single one of them envisions the same exact thing–a balding, large, middle-aged gruff man who doesn’t speak all that well and likes to chew on things? What’s wrong with the world?

I always say this, but “when I write” about a tow truck driver, I’m going to do us true complainers a big favor and make the person female, dressed smartly, using an educated vocabulary, smells good, wears glasses, likes to collect delicate wine, reads at night, and confuse every single human in the universe by doing so! TV watchers will look at this tow truck driver and they just won’t be able to wrap their heads around it. Their heads might even explode. Only you, my lovely readers, will understand and your lives will be saved.

Once again thank you for tuning into a wacky night of complaining about TV. We’re the complaining about TV experts, signing off! Until next time, we’ll be working to make TV klickable again!

We Need HEMA in Medieval Movies and Shows!

If you enjoy medieval-esque movies then you’re probably familiar with Hollywood swordplay choreography and how awesome it looks. I must admit it can look pretty cool. But here I’m going to argue that that fancy swordplay doesn’t belong in a medieval movies. Sure, keep it in movies that aren’t medieval and have swords like Kill Bill and Deadpool, but medieval shows should sport HEMA if they wish to stay relevant in the future! Why? Because there is a “renaissance” in Medieval Studies and people are crying out loud for realism, authenticity, historical accuracy and lack of anachronistic multivalence. People want more verisimilitude, not hokey-pokey fake stuff, especially in medieval movies!

What’s being done about this? I did some research and found out that a lot is actually being done to see more HEMA in movies and shows. And in case you don’t know what HEMA is, it stands for historical European martial arts. It’s a rather new phenomenon, as students and practitioners look up translated copies of real medieval treatises on sword fighting and other forms of fighting like wrestling and axe-play. In forums you can catch the dumbfounded tone of inquisitors as they wonder out loud why in the world there isn’t a medieval movie with HEMA in it yet. After all, HEMA done right looks a lot better than fake Hollywood swordplay.

movies with HEMA

One of my favorite movements in this regard that I discovered quite recently is LitHEMA (fictional literature with historical European martial arts). I couldn’t find any LitHEMA books, but the blogger I found that talks about it hopes it will become a norm in popular media, and he makes good points about how it’s needed and why. But LitHEMA isn’t enough to settle this problem.

We need HEMA practitioners to be more outspoken if they wish to see their beloved art represented in movies and shows. I believe Game of Thrones would be a lot more popular among the academic type if it had HEMA. Hollywood swordplay is very unrealistic as it sacrifices function for artistic appeal by implementing big heavy telegraphed sword cuts and fancy spin moves. Real swordplay is very conservative, but it looks awesome when people use the real sword techniques like the squinting cut and various historical stances and guards.

As an expert about complaining about TV, I have to say this here is one of my biggest annoyances. Why isn’t there any HEMA in shows yet? I have two major answers to that question:

  1. HEMA is still fairly young and unheard of for most people. Since movie makers are older and still have yet to be replaced by younger generations for the most part, they’re used to doing things the way they’ve always been done. Movie makers don’t care as much about being historically accurate as they do about giving their audience what they believe they want. That’s why we need more people who WANT realistic swordplay in movies to raise their voices more often.
  2. The way things have always been done since the first black and white sword movie is using 19th-century fencing techniques in lieu of HEMA because at that time HEMA didn’t exist yet. Scholars were aware of medieval combat treatises but this sports culture centered around them hadn’t been established yet, and many scholars had yet to translate these Old German manuscripts into the vernacular, which meant they weren’t accessible by the average person or even a dedicated movie producer. 19th-century fencing was and still is an Olympic sport, and so it’s not strange that they would use what they know rather than what they didn’t know to represent swordplay. As movies developed, 19th-century fencing techniques merged with the art of creative choreographers and Hollywood swordplay, akin to a dance, was invented.

I hope things like LitHEMA and HEMA in general as a popular sport “take off” so to speak, because together they could raise an awareness of not only what medieval swordplay really looked like but Medieval Studies as a whole. I hope you learned something by reading this, and if you’re still unsure of what HEMA is I’d recommend typing it into YouTube and watching some videos. It’s rather quite extraordinary to watch. Tournaments like Swordfish capture the techniques in a competitive context. After learning more about it, you, too, will agree it would be amazing in movies!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more from the complaining about TV experts! We’re here to make TV klickable again!


Are You Worried About Super Computer A.I.? Well, Star Wars Isn’t!

Super computer AI (artificial intelligence) is one of the biggest science fiction tropes on TV today. But it wasn’t so in the ’70s when Star Wars was created so it’s understandable that super computer AI isn’t in the Star Wars movies. I also don’t remember seeing it prevalent in Star Trek, but I’m going to complain about this anyways because we still don’t see super AI in the new Star Wars and Star Trek movies.

Computer power around the world is doubling frequently and it isn’t long before we have computers that will be smarter than a single human. This worries people because a super computer with mega AI might decide to exterminate the human race. Despite this popular fear we don’t see computers like this in a lot of futuristic movies. Some did like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and The Matrix. But why not in the new Star Wars movies?

In my previous blog post I talked about why laptops and other electronics always seem to function optimally on TV without difficulties, even those belonging to lazy people who never clean their closet let alone their desktop recycling bin. That theme fits well into this discussion because mayhaps even a super computer with AI might need a computer repair service every now and then, unless they have robots to do it for them under their own control. But then I ask “How would the super computer still be able to control external robots if it was malfunctioning?” Perhaps that’s another fear we should consider–super AI malfunctioning! That would be like the equivalent of a human going mentally insane or something.

I’m not an expert in computers and technology science, but my super nerdy geek friend who does computer repair victoria fixing broken computers all day is. She came to a powerful revelation yesterday after reading my post. I already warned you she’s a super nerd, so don’t be surprised if her revelation isn’t as powerful for you as it was for us. I’m a geek, too, but not when it comes to electronics and software like her.

Her revelation was “What if Jar Jar Binks is a robot with super AI?” In order to understand the power of this you need to know the secret unspoken lore of Jar Jar Binks’ mysterious manipulation of events in the movies. I think there’s a YouTube video about it worth checking out.

Now we do see some fairly intelligent robots with AI in Star Wars like R2D2 but they’re not quite the super intelligent computers we’re talking about here. We’re talking about the kind of intelligence that can run whole empires more efficiently than the senate ran ancient Rome! I’m sure R2D2 would make a great leader, but I think the little cute robot is far too nice to make the kind of harsh decisions required to keep an empire afloat.

It would be interesting if Jar Jar Binks, the clever genius who uses goofiness to hide his true intentions, was a robot with AI and that would make a lot of sense. But I did more thinking about this and wondered what would happen in the Star Wars universe if we took this theme one step further… “Uh oh” is right!

R2D2 robot

Here me when I ask what if the evil Sith Lord, in desperation to keep the evil empire afloat, was replaced by mega-super AI? What would the consequences be? If the evil empire was controlled by a computer that was so smart it could conceive of the most genius ways to take over the universe, the Rebel Alliance would be doomed! This is a scary thought because we all love the rebels for a good reason.

I dream of becoming a script writer one day and maybe I’ll pitch this idea to Disney, but not if one of you precious readers beat me to it. If you could run with this idea, would it even be possible for the rebels to combat this AI? Because, of course, the good guys would still need to win or else it wouldn’t be a Hollywood movie. Maybe we could take a new approach and just let the bad guys win. Or can you think of a way some rebels could defeat a super AI? It would be a lot more difficult than just doing what they did to the Death Star, because the AI would be so smart it would predict every possible threat and immediately work to prevent them.

I was thinking maybe someone on the inside could blow up the super AI, but even this would be predicted. But then, hmmmm, what if “the force” is the answer? That’s it! A good guy working for the evil empire could use the force somehow to hide his thoughts and behavior in a way that even the super AI computer would not be able to see it coming.

Oh yes! There we go folks. I just gave you the blue print for the best Star Wars movie ever!

It’s completely normal for us to be scared of super AI because evil is a very real force in the world and it’s not too hard to conceive of even computers being evil. If collective technology suddenly decided to band together and destroy us because we’re a plague upon the universe, would they even be wrong in doing so? I think the answer to that is “yes they would be wrong” because what I can’t conceive of is robots being able to make music and art better than we can. And if humans were gone would they even have the need to create artwork? After all, only humans appreciate such things. Maybe they’ll find art so boring they’ll just kill us all to get out of the chore of making it for us.

Well, that was my thought for the day. Shout out to my awesome Canadian computer nerd friend for giving me the inspiration to write this. I hope you found it interesting. And feel free to pitch my idea to Disney. There’s a good chance I’ll never get around to it. Thanks for reading and don’t forget to keep complaining about everything wrong with TV!

Computers On TV Always Run Perfectly – Why?

Here at klickable.tv we’re trying to make TV klickable again by bringing attention to the thousands of things that are killing TV everyday. No wonder people are switching to YouTube and Netflix. It’s not just the commercials. The people who produce our beloved TV shows have a philosophy that says us viewers are too stupid to notice or care if nearly everything is incredibly unrealistic. Therefore they pump their content with misconceptions about life that viewers who’re too lazy to do their own research take for granted and consider practical truth. Another perfect example of this, which I’ll be complaining about today, is the fact that computers, laptops and other electronic devices never seem to have problems.

What do I mean by this? Well, how many times have you had to get your computer repaired in real life? How many times have you been annoyed by slow internet or a slow computer because of a virus or other bug? Now after answering this, answer this next question: How many times have you seen a character in a CSI show trying to solve a case get pissed off by his or her slow computer? When we see scenes of college kids studying we should see them sighing with annoyance as their research page takes too long to load up. Instead we see flawless, perfect computers because, lo and behold, Hollywood is full of lies!

And there’s this argument that these annoying misconceptions make TV better and more entertaining! FOR WHO? MORONS? Yup, that’s the only reason I can think of that these TV shows being so sloppy and unconvincing is that they are only trying to satisfy morons and everyone who is smart enough to notice and complain shouldn’t be wasting their intellectual time watching TV anyways. Well, I just happen to be smart AND and fan of TV, so…

If by some rare chance you’ve seen a TV show I’m unaware of that shows a character having a problem with their computer and needing some PC and laptop service then by all means enlighten me in the comments below. I look forward to television entertainment in the future where respect is given to realism because for me it’s not only more interesting than fake made-up nonsense but also educational as we get to see insights into what life is like for others.

The scene that annoys me the most is when there’s a lazy kid in a messy apartment who has everything in his life in disorder; his closet is unorganized and stuffed to the lintel with junk; his sink is full of dishes and moldy; his clothes are wrinkled and covering the floor by his bed; but miraculously his laptop runs smoothly like a charm as if his junk folder and hard drive isn’t in the same condition as his closet!

I think it would be quite realistic and entertaining if this said lazy character tries to do a Google search and finds that his computer is so slow he yells in anger and throws his coffee mug across the room. At least have it so he has to look out the window while he waits for it to load. It might be a way to introduce a new character or show something funny like a cat farting on a dog. Or maybe you could come up with something funnier.

I’m far too busy to ever consider writing TV scripts but I know if I did they would be the most realistic shows on television. That’s because I can’t stand seeing these misconceptions any longer. Someone has to do something about this though so you might as well check back here in the future. Maybe I’ll announce my great success hit in ten years. Who knows, eh?

Hit like and share if you agree computers and laptops should occasionally reveal some truth about the universe. Because we all know they’re not perfect! Thanks for reading and expect more complaining soon.

What Is Your Biggest Pet Peeve On TV? Mine Is Black Leather!

There is always something to complain about on TV. Whether it’s cheesy romance, unrealistic action or just plain stupidity, it’s good to get it out of the system. As a fan of TV and someone intelligent enough to spot out everything stupid, I feel obliged to inform my readers.

Today I pose a question: what is your biggest pet peeve on TV?

Maybe you don’t know the answer to this question yet and so you need to think about it. If you love TV as much as I do you might be glad to know that deciding what you don’t like about TV and complaining about it has the potential to reach abroad and effect television in the future forever. What do I mean by this?

I mean that if you can spot a trope that is so stupid and complain about it enough, say on a YouTube video or a blog of your own, it can catch on and other people might start complaining about it too. If enough of this happens there’s a good chance that someone in the power to fix this stupid trope in TV may agree with you and eventually your actions result in a real change. Isn’t that cool?

This works even better if you write into the television station and get your family to write in too. TV is my passion and I want to see it grow and prosper, and so while some people write to politicians complaining about oil spills I complain about stupid tropes and why they should be replaced with sensible solutions and I can’t begin to comprehend the effect my complaining has had on TV over the years.

Perhaps you do know what your pet peeve is. Maybe you’re tired of seeing dirty clothes on medieval peasants or slick leather suits on action girls who know how to fight like I am. Why can’t a girl who knows how to fight dress like any other girl? Why do they always have to wear black leather? Faugh, good question!

So think about this and share your pet peeve in the comments below. Together with our complaining powers we may be able to do something about it!



Since When was Realism Overrated on Television?

Lately I’ve been finding myself watching old black and white films from the forties, not because the cinematography is way better, but because overall everything is a lot more realistic than the sappy shows on Netflix nowadays.

Realism seems to be a lost quality in TV and movies today, as Hollywood tries to satisfy all the stupid tropes that young people love so much. Classic tropes have always been somewhat unrealistic, even in ancient Roman literature, like committing suicide to avoid capture EVERY SINGLE TIME for instance, but with that said I can’t deny that tropes today are getting even more ridiculous, like Vikings wearing eye-shadow for example. At least committing suicide to avoid capture is practical.

Some recent examples of unrealistic nuisances in today’s television:

  1. Knights stabbing through each other’s armor as if the armor was made out of paper.
  2. Shootouts being so cheesy that bullets never hit and heroes can run through bullet-storms while extra bad guys die instantly from a wound to the arm.
  3. Romance being so drawn out and exaggerated that people fall in love within days of meeting each other.
  4. People in space with zero gravity having hair that doesn’t blow around like it should.
  5. Medieval kings doing petty work themselves and not having hundreds of officials throughout the realm doing it for them.
  6. Cars doing flips through the air and spiraling after crashing into each other.

If I didn’t want to rip out my brain I would try to think of more. To save myself some time I’ll share this YouTube video that explains some pretty stupid unrealistic tropes so common on TV and in Hollywood: Lindybeige Fire Arrows

I love YouTubers and other outlets that try to debunk a lot of the silly things you see commonly in entertainment, because people who are too lazy to the research themselves will sometimes take the untruths as reality and then spread these misconceptions even further.

If you know of any other annoying unrealistic things you see in movies and TV, feel free to complain in the comments below and we’ll complain alongside you!